Knock Knock - it's the Cops!

[Thursday:]

22:35 - Finished watching one of the deadliest documentary - a deep sigh!

'The world is full of doom and gloom traders' - I muttered ; shutting my lappy down, carefully placing it on the side-table.

23:00 - As I prepare for my bed; took a gulp of air to dust away the thin coating of pessimism from my brain - clearly the documentary didn't go down well.

23:15 - Already in bed, deep down still thinking about the documentary.. 'What if... How... Why Not...'  All of a sudden - my security door goes slamming - Bang!

A sense of fear gripped me; I ducked further into my quilt.

Convinced myself that it was the wind, that took the security door for a ride; Quite often I forget to lock my security door.

'Geez - What a wrong timing'

Almost recovering from the shock and heard a much assertive knock on the door - "Knock, Knock"

Despite having the 'Do not knock' sign board on my door.. someone just knocked the door! 

Could be two things; either 'Opportunity' has knocked or I am in 'Trouble'! - Chances of the latter happening was more.

A knock at this time of the hour - is very unusual!

I gathered all the courage to get up and see what's going on - my brain still pre-occupied with the documentary. By the time, I reached the door - another knock - "This is the cops!"

I was alarmed! 

"What have I done?"

"Last I checked no one expects a cop on the door for watching a documentary..."

"Is it that I have shared something, that I shouldn't have on social media...."

All these were playing in the back of my head, as I got the door.

Conversation between Me and the Cops went as follows:-

C: "How ya going?, sorry to bother.. Just wanted to check, when was the last you have seen your neighbor?"

M:  "Umm... [Shrugging off my shoulders], dunno know, maybe couple of weeks"

C: "She hasn't shown at her work for couple of days and there is a missing complaint"

M: "Oh.. nah, no idea, I can try and ring... grabbing the phone... dialed the number.. 
Tring! Tring! Tring! ... no luck! not picking up"

C: "Alright, thank you!"

They walked away in deep dark.

I immediately grabbed my keys and locked the security door... double checked everything... and jumped in the bed.

The plan was to quickly go to sleep - but my brain had different ideas - it had its ACP Praduman (Indian desi Sherlock) hat on.....

My dismissive thoughts were:

 - What happened next door?

 - Why am I not conscious?

 - What if, she is deceased?

 - Who did it?

 - What if, the body is lying in there?

and it went on and on and on... Thanks to ACP Praduman..

[Friday]:

I had decided to track the behavior next door and keep a close eye....  given I had my Sherlock hat on!

07:30  - The inner and security door are locked...

10:00  - I phone the girl, but no luck - no response!

16:35 - I drive into my car-pot and give a quick glance at my neighbors - see the inner door open and security door closed... her dog sitting right in front of the security door...

I clasp the energy to walk up her door .. usually the dog when she sees me.. she will bark.. but that day she was quite...

Man, that was unusual..

That rose suspicion - "Daya, pata karo ye kutta aaj kyun nahi bhaukaa??"

19:00 - Someone drove the neighbors cars and came back in 30 mins...

19:35 - Heard the dog bark loudly ...That's it, guess the lady is home!

Case solved!

I convinced my mind and asked it to relax.. everything is fine!

Deep down, I still needed to see the person to be completely convinced!

Guess, that was convincing for the night..

[Saturday]:

10:00. - Knock, Knock - It's the cops again!

C: Her friends haven't heard anything from her for last couple of days..

M: I gave them them the summary of things that happened the day before - told them I feel, all looks ok!

10:30 - The neighbors car pulled in the car-pot and the cops started talking to her...

I saw the girl and was happy...

I had a brief chat with her and apparently she just wanted to be away - Fair enough! 

Told my mind - you see "Dead girl - walking and talking!!"

Now switch off your ACP Praduman mode and let me have a quite weekend!

The next day - I narrated all this to my friend and he told - why do you have to tell them all is ok,.. why get in mess?

and I was like - Oh come-on we are from Mumbai, we solve these type of cases everyday..

'Kaun kaha gaya? kitne baje aaya?' ye sab to brush karte karte solve kar dete hai!

We had a good laugh, but the thought of having a dead neighbor gave me chills!

Now lets chill, until next time!

Love you all, keep reading!

Depicting calm and composure - CRPF Jawans!

Let me set the tone at the offset.. I express, deep anguish and anger.
The other day, saw a video, where our CRPF boys were being heckled, kicked, pushed by the so-called 'mis-guided' youths of Kashmir -
Reason was - The Jawans were just doing their jobs!
The Jawans didn't react to their provocations - some may claim it as weakness, but I would say it was one of their greatest strengths depicted; Hats-off to them for keeping their calm and composure...
A bullet through and through - would have easily put the valley in spiral of violence for weeks.

I would slightly digress from the topic here -
Let's rewind the clock to November 8 - when high currency notes were banned in India.It was a tough phase for everyone and it was during this phase some people started drawing ridiculous comparisons as:
   "If Jawans can stand on the border for 10 hours, why can't you stand in the ATM queue?"
Personally; I consider this as the world's weirdest ever drawn analogy.

It didn't stop here, there was equally gibberish counters to the above analogy, such as:
   "We haven't forced the Jawans to join the Army, its their choice; If they have chosen this then standing on the border is part of their Job"
Trust, me, I know, people who are very well educated and were very vocal about the job part.

Wondering how this whole thing is related to the CRPF Jawan assault?
Short answer is, Yes, it is related- the counter part of the analogy is.
My question to those people who were very vocal about job description of the Jawan is:

Is it that; their job is to get kicked, heckled or pushed - just because they are performing their duties??

We all are doing some or other job; Imagine this:
As a corporate guy, you have your predefined job description, what if:
     One fine day, you reach your office and your client/boss/business decides to kick and push you; not only this, they further decide to stream it live and put it on social media?

As a student your job is to go to college and study, what if:
     You reach college, before you enter the premise you are heckled, kicked and pushed absolutely for NO reason.

As a doctor your job is to treat the patients, what if:

     Before you enter the operation theater, you are reprimanded, kicked and pushed - how well will  your operation go?

There can be endless examples...

The point being where are those people now, who were trying to win the arguments with their baloneys? I bet, none of them will have the courage to show up and at-least condemn it .

To me, clearly, this is not the job of the Jawans!

Now back to those scoundrels, who were assaulting the Jawans....
Just remember, It's the Army who turns out for help when natural calamities strike the valley. 
Oh and don't forget, the surgical strikes.

Also, these scoundrels who are talking about 'Azaadi';
I would say -
'Aazaadi hi hai, warna galti se pados me chale gaye, to bolna bhi mushkil ho jaaygea'
[Do a google search -  '23-year-old student of Abdul Wali Khan University']

There have been strong reactions from the different communities (see one from Gautam G)

I am sure the police and the Army will respond accordingly.

BTW, below picture depicts a brilliant idea to avoid the stone-pelter thugs; which didn't go down well for Omar Abdullah and other human rights hypocrites.

Tweet from Omar Abdullah

Well where you Mr Hypocrite, when the Jawans were being kicked?
I would say for Mr Hypocrite - real worry isn't the young man, but it the business - Aaj phatthar bhi nahi pheka gaya aur paise bhi dena pagdega.

Replace EVM's ..... a scoffing snoop in Kejriwal's brain.

Clearly the election results have not gone down well; esp. for those who lost it; and like every failure has a scape-goat; this one also has...

Congress had their concepts clear, they chose ignorance over realization. RaGa still continues to lead.
The next brigade with the likes of Kejri, Mayawati etc. thought out-of-the-box and instead of blaming their party they blamed the technology - EVM's. (Electronic Voting Machines)
Thereby raising questions about the whole system; last year, Trump in USA, did the same; difference was, he won and they lost....

To exhibit their conjecture; Mayawati decided to appeal in court (take the safe exit route), whereas Kejriwal went a step ahead with his hypothetical proposition
'Replace, EVM with paper Ballots... '

'Replace', aha, last I checked it was a oracle function [Given I had my coding hat on;]

Only if we could snoop into Kejriwal's brain to run few queries, wouldn't that be wonderful?

Q1. What keeps him motivated?
[Here 'trash_bin' is Kejri's brain; 'motivational_tips' and 'garbage_items' are his thoughts]

             SELECT 'motivational_tips' FROM trash_bin;

Motivational_tips - "Kejriwal's motivational Quotes"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I came, I saw, I made it awkward..."

"I don't go crazy... I am crazy...  I go normal from time to time."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fair enough, now let's check; 

Q2. What are the things he would like to replace?

And I run my script:
             SELECT 'garbage_items' FROM trash_bin WHERE garbage_items like 'Replace%';


Garbage_Items - "Things that Kejriwal would love to replace"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• Replace Modi with me me me - The Kejriwal. 
• Replace New 2000 ₹ note with that of old 500 ₹ thereby taking care of all the black-money.
• Replace Courts with Khap Panchayats. 
• Replace Democracy with Dictatorship. 
• Replace Lokpal with Corrupt-Lokpal bill.
• Replace Yogi Adiyanath with male chauvinists Kumar Vishwas.
• Replace Hospitals with Mohalla committees.
• Replace Statism with Anarchism.
• Replace Surgical Strikes with the only Kejri patented strikes - i.e. Dharna.
• Replace News channels with only one NDTV... Further replace all news anchors with Barkha.
• Replace mobile phones with retro phones.
• Replace emails with post mails.
• Replace Colour TV with black and white.
• Replace Alarm clocks with his hoarse coughs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, the list continues; as I ponder over the positives as in what I would like to replace...

• Replace my job with multi billion dollars.
• Replace megalomaniac Kejriwal with selfless Anna.
• Replace Trump with Obama; make America great again.
• Replace child labour with child education.
• Replace caste based reservations with openness.
• Replace Hate with Love.
• Replace rapists with.. aah no need to replace them just kill them.

As I was steering through my ludicrous reverie..

My manager knocks on my desk "Ajay, can you replace #@# with ";" so it is more user-friendly; also do you know about RegexReplace?"

RegexReplace, nah, no idea - I am pretty sure it wont replace what I would love to.....


Happy Reading.
Cheers.

P.S. For our inquisitive readers, who wish to know more about oracle Replace and Regex_Replace click on the respective links. :)

The A..B..C's towards Happiness - Happy Women's Day

"Happy Women's  Day" was the buzz on social media; celebrating International Women's Day.

In a male dominant society, where happiness of a women is viewed through patriarchal lens, I will try to unveil the implied meaning of "Happy Women's Day" or I should say, the A, B, C's towards happiness

Ladies, you can be happy if you:

• Abide by the unwritten, unexplained, hypothetical laws laid down by the society.
• Give up Boozing, as boozing gals are still considered as undignified.
• are prepared to live up with Catcalling - it is neither funny, nor a compliment; but due to lack of stringent laws you just have to live with it.
• Consider Domestic Violence as normal and keep quiet and just bear it.  
• are always Empathetic & soft spoken - come what may!
• are prepared to take Free Gyan from the in laws; mind you - No questions asked!
• accept its your fault despite being Groped during the New Year's Party, in an overcrowded buses etc.. after all those are men or drunk men.
• are prepared to be killed in the name of  Honor; as our society still justifies Honor Killings.
• give up your Independence; you know what 'Being Independent' - nah, not for you; ultimately - the society is still apprehensive of the Independent working women..
• can easily Juggle between the various responsibilities - the Juggler
• possess the Kinetic power of a superwoman to cope up with all the toing and froing of the daily chores.
• are prepared to loose in one sided Love marriage discussions - should be prepared to hear all the excuses; a typical conversation between (M)om and (D)augther:

                M - Who is the guy?

                D - Rakeeb

                M - OMfG; agar Hindu hota to kuch kar bhi sakte they (vice-versa)

                D - Dont worry Mom, Hindu bhi hai.

                M - Whaaat..... ok which caste? 

                D - Singh hai....... 

                M - Hey Bhagwaan, agar apni caste ka hota toh kuch kar bhi sakte............

                And the list of clauses from caste to gotra [गोत्र ] continues ............

• at the age of 21 or latest 23 [being generous or lets say giving time to finish the graduation] you need to get Married; because even today, girls are treated as an obligation [or what they call in hindi - Doosre ki amanat]; by 25 you are making the family cranky; by 29 - "Dude, sure she's got an affair - Samaj me naak kat hi jaayegi"
• give up on Night parties - Shareef ghar ke ladkiya clubon me kaha jaati hai?
• Oops - Short Skirts and minis - NO, because that draws unnecessary attention and calls for provocation
• are willing to have forced Pregnancies. Forced marriages are one thing but there are still cases of forced pregnancies esp. in the rural areas.... where people are desperately in need of their Chiraag!

• being highly Qualified - give that up as it is of no value, when someone says "Kamane ki kya zarurat hai, main hu na"
• dont take Rape threats seriously and if need be, be prepared to apologize to the slackers.
• are ready to change your route when you are Stalked, harassed; because the streets are still unsafe for women; remember the Bangalore incident!
• are prepared to face it on the chin when Trolled - because Karan Johar can make mistake, but Kangana cannot....... 
• dont Use swear words becasue it is just a taboo.
• give up your refreshments, like Vodka with orange juice - Forget it, kisi ne peete huye dekh liya toh kya bolega...... 
• can Withstand your dim witted colleagues who always try to push you down the path they have been, whereby you are trying to break-free from the clutches.
• are an eXcellent interpreter of things that are not said; as they are the most important and easy to be missed.
• are prepared to discard all your learning from your Youth only to adopt the so-called society culture.
• got a feeling of a Zombie? wish to eat the brain of the person who laid down these bizzare society rules; you gotta wait until you die; coz that will be the only opportunity. 

With so many restrictions  if a women can be happy then imagine the amount of happiness they will get when they break free all hassles...

This year's google had a theme of 'Be Bold For Change'; so lets try knock all these alphabets one by one and #BeBoldForChange


Cheers and Have Fun!

Much ado about almost nothing - Peaceniks vs the Nationlists!

Woke up to an ambient sound by the Shankh; that was my Dad concluding his daily Puja.
In the midst of finishing up the yawn; I reached out to my phone and turned the data on.
'Ting', 'Ting', 'Ting' messages started gushing in; I let, my phone to settle down - in the meanwhile, made a quick visit to the loo; emptying my bowels and quickly grabbing the tooth brush.

Skimming through all the messages, one picture caught my attention.


Got the gist, Viru paaji is trying to troll some lady.. But still failed to understand what was all this about? Who is this lady?

My curious mind had already tons of questions and I had to slow him down..
'Hang on fella; you gotta hold those for a while, I haven't even finished brushing my teeth'

to which the response was slightly disrespectful:
'Who asked you to turn the phone on, without even brushing your teeth?'

I left my grumpy brain lingering with his questions and quietly finished my breakfast.

Took a sip from the big coffee mug and turned the news on.....
The young lady was on news as well..
Big protests, Ramjas, DU, ABVP yada yada...
'Hmm, another Hardik Patel - so what is she protesting against?'

Taking another sip, I pondered:
'Parliament session to chaalu nahi hone waale hai na?'

'Nah, that is too far away. Controversies can't be created and sustained this far to wreck the Parliament sessions.'

'Toh phir chakkar kya hai?.'
Turns out that she is a Peacenik - protesting against war!
Fair Enough - but things dont quite look very peaceful up there.

A deep sigh - Gets my brain working towards a different angle altogether....
'Raaton Raaat Famous; without even saying a word - The Placard method!'

I have tried a lot, blogging, skit plays, stand ups, sit downs.. but this concept is new and looks to be working - I bet, this will make me famous overnight.
All I have to do is come up with some brilliant messages and stand on the nukkad (street corner).

While the master plan was being readied; I had inadvertently stopped at a channel; where Shahrukh was delivering his famous dialogue:
'Kehte hain ki ...... Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaaho to puri kayanat usey tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai...' - Bingo!  that is it..  Perfect timing.

So now, I had the plan, the concept and the timing - everything was right.
One last thing - send an application to the Almighty;
'Hey Bhagwaan, please viral kara do.. Please; sawa kilo laddu chadaunga..'

Alright game is on - with a confident smile; I muttered:
'Bhai, this girl has shown me the path - She is the Guru... 
Famous hone ka mera sapna aaj poora ho jaayega'

Ok then, Its time to come up with a catchy message.

Umm.......
The only thing that I could think of; After overnights party was:

With this poster, stationed myself on the street..

Decent beginning - the message was getting the deserved attention; Mr. Sharma, Mr. Bhosale, Mr. Patil, the chitter chatter continued - Aha nice start Mishrajee!

The mega plan of being famous was slightly interrupted - as I saw my Dad walking towards me..
Immediately flipped the placard to the other side to which the message read as:

Heaved a sigh of relief as he walked away towards the home...
Back in action; things were going well,
    "Maine Pee nahi hai... Doston ne Pila di hai"
Until my friends seized me by saying...
   "Tu bhi kisi ka dost hai, chal abb Pilaaaaa"

Apparently, becoming famous is not as cheap as thought..
'Famous hone ke chakkar me, accha khasa bill aa gaya......'

Determination ki kami nahi hai apne andar.. .Next day, came up with a new message:


Mahol ban hi raha tha tab se Papa phir aa gaye... Immediately flipped and the message read as.

A big relief again......

Before I could continue any further;
My friend cried out loudly, rather in a sarcastic tone:
Oh bhai, kabhi ye nahi suna 'Kamyabi kadam choomti hai.. usme height ka kya?' 

Damn it -  Bhai, saare famous hone waale sapno pe paani phir gaya......
The thought so easy plan didn't seem to work.

Socha ek Anti - National naara hi laga deta hu...these days, this is another easy way to become famous; but my conscience, my culture and my schooling didn't permit me to do so...

Now, in short, my messages didn't work, the timing that seemed to right, didnt work... the only thing that was pending was my application to the Almighty;
Suddenly I felt a screech in my throat and seemed Lord had approved my application.
Viral wala wish aakhir pura hi kar diya.......

Placard ke messages to viral nahi hua, lekin mujhe viral ho gaya! 


Lying on the bed, staring at the slow moving ceiling fan..
Started analyzing - What is that one thing that is incorrect about all these chaos ( i.e. Gurmehar Saga) happening currently?

It was the place; Delhi University!

And here I was standing on the streets on Mumbai; the very Mumbai, which doesn't give a crap about college politics; about nonsensical protests;
In fact; If there is a scuffle on the road; toh log kehte hai.. Oye, baaju me ladd.. traffic mat jam kar...
Where Anna's fight to corruption rally didn't make a lot of headway.

Mumbai University, where politics, hooliganism, nonsensical threats or any such thing even far related as well is not even tolerated......
Where people are famous about their witty one-liners..
Reminds me of one incident:.
My friend once asked the peon at the University
'Kaka (Uncle), second floor kaha par hai...' to which Kaka responded  'First floor ke upar.'

Universities, colleges and school are meant to imbibe good culture, good values and good principles.. It is a place where youth are taught about the good and bad; where young minds are given freedom to express their desires, their imagination about next gen India.. Not to play dirty politics!
You should be free to express and desire; but not at the cost of vandalism and hoodlumism.
Just as, Freedom of speech doesn't give you right to threaten anyone to rape; similarly it doesn't give you right to insult the very Motherland we live in.

I can dedicate another 10 pages on do's and dont's in Universities..
But one thing that shouldn't be done is: Universities shouldn't be used as a lauchpads to fulfill one's political ambitions. [Period]
Patriotism shouldn't be forced on anyone.. but it should be inculcated!

Frankly I believe, this is much ado about almost nothing.
At-least the Kaka makes more sense than these so called protectors of the nationalism.


Cheers and Have fun!